Mixed thoughts on Blogging

Who would have thought that having two kids actually took up time and energy...

Since I have been avergaing 1 blog a year for the past two years, it is not likely that anyone will be reading this, so it gives me some more freedom as to how and what to write. I love writing. I just spent the last couple of minutes reading through some old posts on this blog. It was an interesting and incredible journey. Almost like finding a dusty journal that was half finished under your bed when you are going away to college. Memories were flying in and out. Nostalgia, pride, embarassment, and confusion. I put this stuff on the internet?!?

But I am torn.
Torn on this whole blog thing.

in many ways twitter, tumblr, facebook, etc. are just incredible practices in self-indulgent behavior. On the other hand, it allows people a way to connect that there may never have been able to before. We are able to be busier and yet still find ways to shoot a message to a long lost friend. Or are they. I don't know. I don't have a strong opinion on the whole deal as I blog and facebook. i think technology is awesome, and I loathe it. Many days I would be happy in the outback watching a sunset. And other days, i just enjoying sitting around watching Jim Gaffigan and updating my 3 fantasy football leagues.

So what's the answer. There probably isn't one. I am okay with that

The Art and Science of Creativity???? How I edit my life...

JUST WRITE...

...or so I was told at a conference I attended in D.C. a couple weekends ago. At this conference I attended a seminar with some famous people who wrote some famous books on the art of creativity and the science of our brains as it pertains to therapeutic interventions. I do not even know what I just said, but I do know that this one seminar was particularly impactful to me. I believe there were two things that stuck out to me:


- It is our birthright to create, we were born to create.
- We can not be both the writer and the editor at the same time.

First, we were born to make things. To write, to draw, to play music, to build, and to dance. Whatever it is that is stirring in you, it is there for a reason.

Secondly, when we are creating we can not be the editor and the creator at the same time or else we will never accomplish things that are truly great. How many times tonight while writing this blog have I already started to edit my words. Write, delete, write, delete. Numerous. too many to count. You see there is great benefit from editing what we say or do because not everyone wants to hear everything we think. (Regardless of how witty and clever it is) However, the editor often stifles the creative juices, because we tell ourselves that what we are creating is not good enough before the full thought has come around full circle. Who are we creating for?


Now, someone may ask why I am even blogging about this. I think it is because we edit our lives . I start and then delete. Begin and then STOP. . I have dreams, hopes, pursuits, and passions that stir in my soul, but I let them die. I edit them before even giving them a chance. You see, I once thought that life was about pursuing dreams. Over time, it seems like life becomes more about deciding which pursuits are practical according to my limited abilities and resources. When did all this change? Where does idealism meet reality?

These questions only seem purposeful if they lead me to some sort of resolution regarding where this thing called life is headed. And the resolution seems that I should hold off on the editor of my life until the writer has come alive and said all that he needs to say. The editor needs to wait to comment and delete, until the dream or idea is fully pursued...

Search

This is for me, and not for you. I am writing because I want to. It has been a long time. I would say it has to do with busyness, but that would be just an excuse. This has been an interesting year for me. I am more distracted than ever. Finding myself more lost than ever before. More in search of something that is unexplained and unattainable. It seems as if I am always in pursuit of something that can not be explained or achieved. Some may call it misguided idealism...I don't know how to put words to it. My reality has become something of a search, a quest, a journey for life to the full. This journey has lead me a lot of places...

to prayer...
to my own selfishness...
to dark thoughts...
to God's great love...
to community...
to isolation...
to people...
to my family...

So for now I continue to search for that I can't hold onto. For the thing that seems so out of reach. I do not know if I will ever find what it is I am looking for, but I feel as if I have to keep trying for now.

So this is the New Year...

A quiet sunday night as the little ones are asleep in their bed and crib respectively, hopefully dreaming of grandeur. Eli is laying on the couch reading a book, and I am shuffling through my Itunes songs listening to the album 3 Rounds and a Sound by the band Blind Pilot. I am peacefully enjoying the serenity of this moment as days past have been filled with far different emotions for me. I have noticed myself being distant...to everything and everyone. I have noticed that at times, I find myself checking out to everything. Life just gets to be too much and I "freeze". I am reading this book "Waking the Tiger" about how we respond to Trauma when it shocks us in our lives. The author compares a common response is like that of the Impala after being attacked by a cheetah. The Impala after being caught can actually act as if they are dead and be drug for miles just waiting for the moment where they have a chance to escape the danger. I feel that way so often in my life...especially right now. Sometimes I am just frozen waiting for my moment. The world is full of loss, pain, death, and hurt. I know that there is also great adventure, hope, and joy. I have a hard time finding it sometimes. I want adventure. Passion. Excitement. To feel hope in the midst of it all. It is there...

There was a song a couple years back by Green Day called "Walking Contradiction". Tonight, I am that. I do not remember the words...but I feel like a contradiction. As I described before I feel frozen and distant, but at the same time, I am full. Full of ideas...thoughts...moments of life...that I want to put down. So here they are, my random thoughts (uncensored):

- I saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and I didn't like it. I like the premise, but the movie was just Forrest Gump ten years later with Brad Pitt

- I love to write, but I get too distracted to get anything down worth anything.

- I love my family and friends, but I miss life the way it was before. Whatever that was.

- I am nostalgic.

- I want to live more in the present, but get get in my past and future.

- I always thought that life would never catch up to me.

- It is hard to inspire without inspiration...

- I can listen to the song "Re: Stacks" by Bon Iver over and over and over again and not get sick of it.

- I hate Loss.

- Death is loss. Change is loss. The end is loss. I have felt loss. There are people who know far more loss than I could ever dream or imagine. I don't wan't them to feel anymore loss. It is enough!!!

Thanks for listening...I have no words of wisdom, just emotions and thoughts...

Finally...

Yes We Can!

We can have dreams.

We can make noise.

We can break down racial barriers.

We can view people by the content of their character.

We can think a little bit differently.

We can be Christians and care more about people, than rules.

We can believe in things greater than our ideas.

We can hope again that the world will see us in a better light.

We can pray for peace.

We can pray for unity.

We can finally accept that okay is not good enough.

We can...believe that Jesus was not a Republican, but our Savior.

Voter Apathy

First time voter...check

27 years old...check

Obama or McCain...check

Life is complicated...check

No easy solutions to the world's problems...check

Finding creative ways to get more educated on how to make a difference...check

Enjoy SNL and the Daily Show as much as CNN and MSNBC...check

Want to end poverty...check

Hate Oppression...check

I am a part of the problem...check

...and the solution...check

I am finding it is most important to making a difference where I can. I want to put my faith and politics into action. Where I am at, with people that I can influence, and with resources that I have. I need to start by giving. Giving my time. My energy. My love. My money. My everything. For a purpose that is far greater than myself.


I am not profound. I am like everyone else. One person...with endless potential...as long as I am willing

I am thinking...

I realize my blogging ability has been suspect since moving to Maryland and having my second child. There are no excuses.

I am reading a lot of good books currently...like 10.

One of the books said this:

"I hate the pace of my life. I don't live. I just get things done."

You know when you turn the corner from doing something out of inspiration as compared to doing something out of obligation.

Lately I feel just obligated...

I felt obligated to buy some new cd's: Currently listening to Sigur Ros, Fleet Foxes, Anberlin, MGMT, and Donavon Frankenreiter.

i love the Nooma videos by Rob Bell: LUMP makes me cry.

The Chicago Bears are breaking my heart

I miss College.

I love my wife and kids, but sometimes I don't put them first.

I eat food as a comfort when I am feeling down.

I drink a beer to calm me down.

I wish I didn't, I wish I ran instead.

I am tired. I am exhausted. I am renewed. I am free to live the life I choose.

I want to be a fitness nut, but I don't have enough discipline.

I love conversations, but I have a lot of them.

I am done for now.

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

Spot on Impression...Perfect Storm Beard. HA

Thoughts on Prayer

“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.”

Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

My own personal Olympics

I am hooked. At first, It was just a Michael Phelps relay, then it was the steeple chase. By the end of the weekend, I found myself watching a women's field hockey competition between New Zealand and Poland. Are you serious? Not that Women's field hockey isn't great, but seriously, New Zealand vs. Poland. What is going on here? Why am I, like so many others, enthralled with the summer Olympics?  

So, I went on a run last night to make myself feel a little better about my own personal fitness and came to some conclusions in my mind during my slow jog (yogging).  I think that people love the Olympics because at that moment when someone achieves personal greatness through singular focus, there is no one better than them in the world at that one thing. Basically, people prepare their whole lives for that minute and a half competing against the world for the chance to be truly great at one thing. It got me thinking. What am I truly great at? Nothing, really. I am not making this statement to humble or even self deprecating, but rather just truth.  (Besides World's Best Dad...or Boss).  

There is really nothing that I have spent my whole life perfecting. I guess I have never had that singular focus. So many of us, myself included are determined to just be adequate at a lot of things rather than truly great in one thing. The problem is we settle for mediocrity when there is so much greater out there.  I wrestle with this question often. DO I have enough time in my life to be truly great at one thing and still be adequate in every other area of my life? Can I be the best father in the world and still be good at my job? Can I be the best mental health counselor in the world and still be a good dad, athlete, and friend?

Sometimes, when we focus so hard at perfecting one thing, we lose sight of all the other areas of our life. And yet, there are times, like the Olympics, where that singular focus transcends all the other things we suck at we truly are on top of the world at that moment. I just got to figure out something that I can be the best at in the world. Underwater basketweaving perhaps?

World's Best DAD!!!!

I thought I had something to share...

I am writing with the hope that I as I type I may remember what it was I wanted to share with the small world that actually reads this blog. Nope. Still not coming to me. I had something great. I promise. It was incredible, inspiring, not to be missed. It was one of those things where Eli says to me:

"You have to put that on your blog."

And as I sit here and type, I am left with nothing.
And so it goes, so it goes, with my ADHD brain. Does anyone else have this occur in their life?They have something so important that they want to share with somebody else, and then when it comes time to share it, it is gone, kapuht (don't know if this is a word). Wait a minute, I think it is coming to me..nope...there it goes, gone.

Ahh, so frustrating. How do you try to remember these things? I guess I go through my rolodex of awesome things from the past week in hopes that you all can be a part of our lives and how I am inspired:

My Rolodex of Awesome things 8/1:

- The Dark Knight: 9.5/10 - What a sick movie. Heath Ledger's performance is phenomenal. Hero archetype. Good vs. evil. Rules vs. Chaos/anarchy.

- Got a blackberry. These things are sweet. Can't put it down. I am wondering what is better: Iphone or blackberry?

- Emma slept in her toddler bed for the first time. So worried about her tearing apart her room while she took her nap. What was she doing in there: (most likely lighting things on fire, playing her music too loud, and reading questionable material) Or so I thought. In actuality all she was doing was sleeping reading her little Bear stuffed pop up bible. Shows you how worried I should be.

- Chicago Cubs continuing their pursuit of the World Series. The 100 year anniversary. Is this the year that Bartman is redeemed? Did you hear that story they offered him money to come out of hiding?

- Anyone see the Bear on the golf course the other day? Hilarious.

- Henri Nouwen is an incredible inspiration...

There it is! I remembered it!!!!!!!!! My inspiration. Yes. It worked. By writing I was able to come up with the sweetness. Here it is:

Every morning the first thing I do, after unsaid questionables, is wander on into my bathroom and begin my morning restroom break. Above my toilet is this sweet piece of wood Eli had from her college days with Mother Theresa quotes on it. Every morning I read those and think how I got life all wrong after looking at her quotes. The other morning one particular quote stuck out to me:

"God does not ask me to be successful, God asks me to be faithful." 

Ponder that for a moment. 

Wherever you are...Whatever you are worried about... Whatever you had planned for your day...whatever your plans are for tommorrow...think about them in that context: faithfulness over success.

If you were able to stick through the whole post, I applaud you. You truly experienced a moment inside my head. Nuts isn't it. Hopefully my randomness did not deter you from what I had hoped to convey. If not, you still got a picture of my daughter out of it. 

Keep it real

Team Hoyt...

Inspiring...Take ten minutes and watch if you have never seen it...